Am I Doing Enough?

I’ve been sitting here looking for the words. Pacing. Wondering. Overthinking. Overwhelmed.

We were told to stay at home and yet, people still continue to go out, unnecessarily.

If you are one of those, please stop. Some of us aren’t taking this whole stay at home thing well.

I am one of those people.

I crave connection. I crave seeing my people- my friends, my family, my coaches.

I need it.

I also need to be on the go, to be in the community,

to be in all the places

that make me feel myself, more grounded.

My own home brings on feeling of stress. The normal routine we’ve all become accustomed to is out the window. There is no dropping the kids off at school so I can focus on my work. Now, our home is school and I am the teacher. E-school is more like home school. Let’s just be real. I have never wanted to be a school teacher. God bless them, this job is stressful and I only have two kids! I can’t imagine a whole classroom full. And now, no school for the rest of the year.

Awesome.

It’s been a learning curve for us all. I’ve suddenly become the “mean teacher” and not just “mom.” I haven’t been as gentle as I like to be with my kids. I’m trying to find the balance between teacher and mom. I’m trying. I’m really freaking trying. I’m trying to be understanding, to let things go, but to also be firm and consistent. But I’m also trying to remind myself, there is always tomorrow if we don’t finish today, to remember that this pandemic is not only affecting us adults. Our kids see and feel everything, too. They’re scared, too.

We can forget that these little humans absorb the energy around us just as much as we do as adults.

The pressure on everyone is heavy. It’s important to remember we really are all in this together. And if the pressure of being a home school teacher and a mom is too much, it’s really okay to step back and just be a mom. That’s a huge role to begin with. It’s more than okay to just focus on that.

It’s extremely difficult to admit that something is just too much, to admit you just have too much on your plate to do all of the things. I get it 100%. I’ve been feeling the guilt myself, the shame. I should be doing more. I used to be a nurse. Correction. On paper, I am still a nurse. I gave up that profession a year ago, something I never took lightly. I took an oath to passionately care for the community, the sick, to be there for those in need. Once upon a time, I was in an ICU hooking up ventilators and helping patients heal.

I have been reached out to, several times, to come back and serve. Jobs are being offered to me, almost daily, and each time I’ve told them, no.

Insert the guilt.

I should be doing more. I should be in the middle of an ICU working with patients; patients who need love and who are fighting, patients who are dying. I should be helping. Shouldn’t I?

I’ve felt shame-

Who am I to turn down these job offerings when I know deep down that I can help?

Am I selfish for putting myself, my health, my family first?

Am I wrong for not wanting to put us at risk?

I don’t know. Maybe, I am.

I’ve been told that I’m not selfish, that I am serving in other ways, but this is a feeling that I just can’t seem to shake. It brings me to my knees. I’ve cried many times in the past week or so out of fear, out of shame, out of guilt. It makes me question everything I’m doing.

Am I really useful to my clients right now?

Is anyone really going to be seeking my help now?

Am I selfish for continuing to charge in a time of crisis?

I’ve caught myself comparing myself to what others are doing, friends of mine who are nurses that are out there working and saving lives. And here I am sipping my tea complaining about having to figure out this e-learning thing with my children, waiting for the day that I give up and they become the first elementary school dropouts. I start to spiral from there, from one thought dripping with shame to the next laden with guilt. I have the tools to shift these thoughts, I know how I should be coping and how I should be dealing with these self deprecating emotions, but I still just can’t stop thinking what would happen if I just helped during this crisis.

The thing is, we can be prepared, sure. We can have all the processing tools. I can teach you all the ways to deal with these thoughts and how to move forward. There is a time and place for it all, or I wouldn’t have felt called to pursue this profession as an Eating Psychology Coach. I wouldn’t have given up my career as a nurse. I believe full-heartedly in what I teach my clients. But, sometimes you need to sit with very uncomfortable emotions for a long time.

Sometimes you will feel a tug of war inside of you that feels like it may never end.

Sometimes the storm we know we are meant to weather feels like it will go on forever.

Sometimes there is no answer, no right path, no step by step guide.

Sometimes things may just hurt, the uncomfortable will just be uncomfortable.

And we have to learn to sit with that, to trust in the decision we’ve made because that decision we ultimately came to was truly meant for us all along.

Be kind to yourself.

Listen and trust.

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